


A Very Bad Idea

by Aural_Contraception



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Psychological Trauma, Psychosis, Suggestive Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-25
Updated: 2015-04-01
Packaged: 2018-03-19 13:39:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3612069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aural_Contraception/pseuds/Aural_Contraception
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An accidental spark months ago. They thought it had been buried. While en route to Ilos, Shepard discovers the spark is now a fire.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Bad Idea

Prologue  
[Overnight Shift - 10 Hours From Ilos]

 

Dammit, Shepard, get your head on straight, I thought to myself. I sat down on the edge of the bed, elbows resting on my thighs, I ran my hands through my hair, head hanging down. “Fuck!”. Aloud. Yeah, that helped, I thought. Adventure and reason were battling it out in my head. The battle constantly shifting, reason would triumph, only to have adventure come in with a sucker punch. 

This is a bad idea. Reason crowed. Yeah, it is isn't it, adventure smirked. Adventure pressed the moment, you know it's what you want. You usually get what you want, … and … it may be your last chance. Adventure was going full out. That's true, I thought, it might be my last chance. Oh, adventure was dancing now. 

Wait!, shouted reason. There's another choice, you know. We know, but we don't want that do we?, adventure purred. It would be good, and you know it, reason countered. But we don't want good, do we?, adventure had reason in a choke hold now. You know what you want, do it, adventure circling for the kill.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” I started pacing now. Adventure had a point, it was what I wanted. And, truth be told, I did want. Oh, very want. Badly. It won't work, one last gasp from reason. If it couldn't work, we wouldn't be even talking about this, as adventure called the coroner. 

Adventure was right, I did want it. Had wanted it for weeks now. It's not like I thought about it all the time, just the down moments. The quiet moments. And, yes, the moments in the shower alone. Only the ending was different in those moments. Not that different, adventure sidling up like a confidante.

I pressed my head against the cold bulkhead, hoping that would help. You honestly think that'll work, asked adventure. Weeks of cold shower's haven't, adventure continued. True, I thought. Hadn't done a damn thing.

I went over to my footlocker and grabbed a bottle, and took a swig. Noooooo, cried reason. Adventure was in full rocky mode now.

I never, ever, thought I'd be thinking about THIS. It was his fault, obviously. He had pushed every one of my buttons. Hadn't meant to. Didn't mean to. But he had. Every.Single.Button. He still didn't know. Why would he, I just laughed it off at the time. Sort of.

“Fuck it.” I grabbed my pack. And headed downstairs...

The memorial service for reason is scheduled for Tuesday.


	2. Waiting

A Very Bad Idea

Chapter One

[Six Weeks Earlier]

I placed the water bottles on the table by the door, re-wrapped the towel around my hair, then took a sip of coffee. My coffee, not that Alliance crap. One of the advantages of not sleeping, real coffee. That and longer showers. And, no one to ask, any updates, Commander?

There was the rub. The seed of everybody's mood, we were spinning our wheels. No clues, no trace of anything, we'd lost him. Some sketchy intel on some place called Noveria, that was it. We hunted Cerberus, Exo-Geni, took every bullshit Alliance mission, anything to keep busy. So far, the Council hadn't said anything about our lack of progress.

Pfft. The Council. To say they were unhelpful, would be charitable. I theorized the Council was the real reason why Saren went rogue. During debriefs, I fantasized about their heads exploding in a sea of colors, courtesy of my favorite sniper. Would he do it, if I asked?

Even he was edgier than usual. Their fight yesterday, for example. It wasn't completely my fault. It was the last base, the other's had been clean. My HUD was clear, so I charged.

Into a fuckton of creepers. Now. Now, I know that dormant creepers don't register on your HUD. Now. We got out of it. It's what we did. I had to grin. Yeah, that's.what.we.did. Every damn time. We were that good.

I was triumphant. Boo-ya, you green bastards. We'd done it again. He looked, well, I sure couldn't place it. I recognized the anger that came next though.

We'd had this argument for weeks now. He thought I was too reckless, I knew they were calculated risks. He thought I was jeopardizing the mission. I thought he underestimated himself.

His rationale was sound. If I went down, so did the mission. Technically, no one aboard could replace me. The council would pull the plug on the mission. Sure, the they would send another Spectre after Saren, but they didn't know what I knew. And it would take time. Time they didn't have.

What I could NOT get him to understand was, I only took those risks, because he was there. He was my rock. Whatever crazy idea I came up with, if it failed, he'd get me out of it. Every damn time. He watched my back. He was my second pair of eyes. He was my sounding board. And, if need be, my reins. Well, he tried to be. I admired him for trying.

He's a good man. He was brilliant on Therum, our first big mission together. After that, I took him on more. He never missed a shot. Ever. Had sound alternate strategies. After a while, a dry sardonic wit showed. When we hit Feros, we were anticipating each other's moves. I couldn't imagine a mission without him.

Hell. I never thought I'd trust anyone as much as I did him. He intrigued me. He was intelligent, funny, tactically adept, steady, and incredibly lethal. He questioned everything, not out of disrespect, quite the contrary. He honed my strategies, rethinking, or discarding them.

What I never told anyone, the secret to my success, was that I firmly believed, every battle was my last. When you didn't expect to survive, you can do things no one in their right mind would do. It was also one hell of a high.

I took a sip of coffee, and checked my OT. Yet, another request from Joker for a ship upgrade. Him and the damn ship, it was odd, but the two of them, they could dance. I sent a message to Joker and Pressley, head to the Citadel. Proceed with the upgrades, coordinate a resupply, and schedule a seventy-two hour shore leave.

I could use some shore leave, truth be told. It would be my first real shore leave as a CO. I made a note to read up on Alliance protocol's, guessing it would be strict. I had a feeling that getting rip-roaring drunk, then screwing on the hotel balcony was frowned on. It was back when I was a second lieutenant.

A thought, and I laughed out loud, imagining Udina's reaction.

_You're supposed to be an example for humanity. I was. I was an example of how limber we are. Sir. -_

Would he take out Udina, if I asked?

This could be a problem. Command was indeed lonely. Well, what other options do we...

The door hissed open, and Garrus walked in. He stopped, gave me a funny look. I countered with a puzzled one, and he pointed towards my head. "Drying my hair." I pulled the towel off my head. When did our non-verbal - 

"You shower before sparring?" His head was cocked to the side, his puzzled or curious expression. 

I brushed my hair with my fingers, deflecting, "Can't sleep. Helps wake me up." Something flashed across his face, a look I couldn't place, the same one from yesterday.

Actually, the truth was, he'd embarrassed me one time while sparring. I don't think he meant to. We'd had one helluva firefight the day before, and I fell asleep in my armor. I hit my bed and was out. I'd overslept, threw on shorts, a t-shirt and just made it before he left.

I was still tired, and he pinned me pretty quick. "So, that's what humans smell like without soap." He said with an exaggerated shudder. I cringed. "That bad?" He chuckled. "Not really. But, the other's preferable." Never again. I had a vision of him in a bar, bs'ing. _Oh yeah. Shepard's a helluva fighter. Stinks though._

"Whatever you need to tell yourself, Skipper." Had been Ash's reply when I told her the story. Note to self, transfer Ash to garbage scow.

We were in our usual sparring attire. Black under-armor for him, and shorts, tank top for me. Comfortable, no restrictions. When we first started sparring, I wore sweats. Until one time they got hooked on his spurs, I went down, and he followed. He hit me full weight, knocking the wind out of me. No more sweats.

When Kaiden did spar, which was rare. I could tell the attire really unnerved him. To be fair, unless I was the hero of Elysium, I unnerved him. I'd never seen him sparring with Ash, so I don't know if her similar attire had the same effect. Kaiden is too much the gentleman to spar.

If it affected Garrus, he hid it pretty damn well.

The rules were simple, no armor, no biotics, no weapons. I broke the latter frequently. Too me, it balanced out his reach and height. He's almost a foot taller. If he asked, I relinquished them. If, he asked.

We took our stances, circling each other. "We're headed towards the Citadel. Ship repairs and shore leave." I took a test swing, checking his reaction time. Fast.

"Any plans?" He asked. Out of habit, I shook my head. Dammit, stupid move. He took the opening, a glancing blow to my shoulder. I had just begun my spin, when he kicked my legs out from underneath me. I started to go down, he caught me and pulled me tight against him. He held my left arm with his, my body and right arm with his right. I could still kick, plates beat socks though.

He was fast this morning. Or was I slow? No. He was quicker today. He leaned down and whispered into my ear. "Too.Slow.Spectre." The last word almost an epithet. Instead of just letting me go, he pushed me off. Hard.

We faced off again. "What the fuck, Vakarian?" We circled. He feinted, I didn't bite. He was just watching me. For what?

We stopped circling. He'd start to move right, quickly side-stepped left. Then started circling right, he'd lunge forward, then nothing. Back to circling. A quick right jab, I deflected. He kept circling, another quick right, I knocked it away. The circling now came clear, my arm was still up, he came in under, nailing me in the chest.

He swung, I grabbed his arm, yanked him down. I didn't expect him to go down, just off-balance. As he staggered by, I rabbited his flank. He elbowed me hard in the back. I spun, he was already facing me. We started jabbing, it went nowhere, but it got the rhythm going. After a minute or so, we paused jabbing, returned to circling. He just kept watching me.

He jabbed a couple times with his right, then went low with his left. I moved back in time, I had a feeling he'd try to kick my legs out again. When he swung his leg, I launched myself over his leg, and nailed him the chest, he fell back. I landed on him, I quickly pulled my blade, I had one shot at this. I had the blade under his jaw.

"Give" Question and order. He just looked at me. Smug bastard. I pressed a little harder. "Give?" Then I felt a sharp point against my left carotids. What the … He never used a weapon. I tried to turn, and he pressed a little harder. "You.lose.Spectre." Dammit. But, his voice sounded decidedly different. Very something.

Wait! Did he just growl? I couldn't hear it now. I kept my knife on him, dropping the other hand to his chest. I couldn't feel anything. Overactive imagination? No. I heard something.

I always liked the sound of his voice, the sub-harmonics underneath were pleasant. These new sounds were, Shit. I don't know what they were, but they were, well they were doing something. Rattling me, that's for sure. Sounds reminding me of, well, more than sounds...

The moment over, I slipped the blade back into it's sheath. Inside the center of my bra. Right between the girls. No one ever checked there.

He'd gone still for a moment. I couldn't place the look on his face. Thought you didn't like aliens, Vakarian. Let's test that. .. wait. What? Where did that come from? Why would I do that, I reasoned. Damn...

I watched as he put his glove back on. A talon No weapon. 

I looked down at him as he laughed, mouth open, teeth exposed. Predator teeth. **_[When I was six or seven, I found a vid on big cats. I was riveted. Drove my parents nuts]_** Talons. I put my hands on his chest to push off. Hardened muscles.

Predator. Memories of another...

He pointed at my chest. "Very clever. I would've never thought to look there." And there's your answer, Shepard. I grabbed a water, and threw him one. Hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: **_Bold/Italicized are Shepard's thought/memories_** as she spars/thinks/talks. In essence, two things are going on at once. **_Her thoughts/memories_** and what's happening in the world. 
> 
> It's the only way that I could make it work. If anyone has suggestions, please let me know.


	3. Clarity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus inadvertently triggers old memories.  
>  _"The best of times, the worst of times"_  
>  Please see notes for formatting

* * *

We put our water down, and started circling. **_[For my eighth birthday, my parents took me to a zoo on earth]_** I feinted with a right, he readied for a left, **_[My Dad knew the head veterinarian.]_** instead I rabbited with my right. I jumped back, and threw a kick at his side. **_[I had to see the big cats. I loved big cats]_** He dodged easily.

He came at my left, then my right, **_[No. My Dad said. We'll see the cats later.]_** I held my arms up, he kept it up. He was trying to pin me against the rail. I don't think so. **_[No. I screamed as loud as I could.]_** As we got close, I dropped straight down, **_[My Dad tried to calm me. Please, I have a surprise]_** I rolled left and past his right., he was starting to turn, **_[It was cruel. So close. A real live cat. And I couldn't see them]_** I came up behind him, and rabbit punched him.

As he turned to face me, **_[I kept screaming. My Dad picked me up. Kicking and flailing]_** using all my weight I pushed him. He hit the rail, **_[People were staring at us. I didn't care. I hated them]_** I swung my leg out, and he flipped back over the rail. “Ha!” 

I walked over to get my water, **_[We came to a door. They knocked, and a bespectacled man let us in]_** reached down. **_[It was a med-bay for animals. In the center of the room was a black cat]_** He pulled both my ankles back, I pitched forward. **_[A black panther, laying on his side. He was beautiful]_** I got my hands out in time to break my fall. I rolled, ready to push him off. **_[Do you want to pet it?]_**

He just moved to his side of the room, **_[Sedated and bound for tests. He was awake though]_** and grabbed his water. He leaned back against the rail, **_[His eye followed me as I got closer, but he didn't react]_** and just eyed me. I matched his stance. What was his game today? **_[I ran a hand down his back. Coat soft and smooth]_ /**

We took our positions. **_[I could feel the muscles underneath. A low rumbling growl. Beautiful]_** I jabbed, he jabbed. I kicked, he kicked. **_[I placed my ear on the side of his chest and closed my eyes]_** I would feint, he would jab. He would feint, I would jab. **_[Eyes closed, my head on his chest, I felt immersed in his rumbling growl. I scratched his ears with my right hand]_** It was a great rhythm. A dance, if you will. **_[My left wandered over his back and side. The softness of his coat, the hardened muscles underneath. Beautiful]_**

I had just feinted right, **_[His mouth was partly open. Teeth exposed, designed for one thing. White a contrast with black]_** then he matched it, and nailed me with a right. **_[I started to move my hand, then brought it back.]_** Hard. I stumbled back. He pressed on. Right. Left. Right. Left. **_[I placed my hand over his paw. It was huge, even without the claws]_**

Arms up, I was in defense mode, needed a plan quick. **_[One of the techs pressed on the pad of his paw. His claws extended. I couldn't breathe]_** Doubting he'd fall for the same thing twice. And he was not letting up. **_[I slowly moved my hand towards his paw. No reaction]_**

I kicked his leg, seeing if it would break his rhythm. **_[I ran my finger down a claw, then felt the tip. Sharp. He flicked his paw, then retracted his claws]_** No dice. I thought about kicking his spurs, but that was a dick move. **_[I laid my head back down, petting the top of his head]_**

I moved to close the distance, getting right up to his chest. **_[He stopped his rumbling. I didn't move, lost in his breathing. Seconds. Minutes. Relative]_** Being that close was making it hard to keep his speed. **_[Then. The most amazing thing … he began to purr]_** Now my plan was to get in closer, then pop him on both sides his face with my arms. **_[I was lost in the sound. No words to describe what I felt]_** Right up against his chest, I was readying my move, in between his breaths, I heard it, a low rumbling growl.

Black. Rumbling. Fur. Muscles. Two moments at once.

I was tucked into his chest. The hits not as hard, he couldn't get the angle. **_[Are you dreaming?]_** I felt and heard rumbling. 

He stopped jabbing. He grabbed my upper arms, holding them against me. **_[What do you dream?]_** He also, bless him, pulled me up a bit. I could see over his shoulder. 

I faked a head-butt. He stepped back, come on, one more step. **_[Show them to me]_** I did it again, and another backwards step. OK, Vakarian, I'm trusting you. **_[I moved my head to his neck, my eyes facing his]_** He still had my arms pinned. You've never said it, but I know you have a thing for limber. 

I grabbed his cowl the best I could, thanked the spirits for narrow Turian waists. **_[His purring much louder there]_** I swung my legs up and around his waist, I grinned at the look on his face. Both my feet hit the wall behind him at the same time. **_[Scratching where his neck met his chest. I just watched his eye]_** I shrieked, and yanked down on his cowl, and pushed off with my legs. His eyes had never left mine.

He pitched forward, I held on to his cowl. He rewarded my trust. He let go, brought his arms down to break the fall. An audible oomph from both of us as we hit the floor. **_[Bright yellow against black, he watched everything]_** He went to roll off, but I still held his cowl stopping him. Watching his eyes. We both tried to catch our breath, he was still rumbling. “What are you searching for?”

I dropped my arms and l started laughing. “What?” He was grinning. I waved my arm with a flourish. “You get to explain, if someone walks...” He jumped off. “Yeah. It would be bad.” He'd answered while pivoting to sit up. 

He was leaning back on the wall, I crab-walked back to the other. “I knew you would. Not think, knew.” I said between gulps of water. A slight tilt of his head, only response. “Break the fall.” Slightly muffled as I toweled my face.

“Nice to know I'm predictable.” He looked, … annoyed at that? 

I laughed at that. “No.” No, he may be many things, but not that. “You are many things, Garrus Vakarian. Predictable is not one of them.” Smiling as I said it. Truer words...

I rolled my shoulders. Solid, not predictable. 

He got up, came over and offered me a hand. I took it, then wondered. He started to pull, I made no effort. No resistance either. He stumbled, never let go. “Well?” A challenge. I quirked an eyebrow. 

He positioned himself, bent down, and pulled me up. I dropped my legs beneath me. He had the cockiest smirk on his face. He earned it. I couldn't help but smile. A smile I felt throughout. “Good to know.” 

“Yeah. I wouldn't get used to it, Shepard.”

I toweled my face and hands one more time, tossing the towel, somewhere. He was adjusting his gloves. 

We faced off. I started to circle, he went for my right. Easily deflected. He backed up. Dancing right, left. I stayed, pivoting, guard up. From the right, a low swung leg. I jumped back. He jabbed. Missing. What was his game?

He would dance right, left. Throwing swings. I kept my arms up, he'd try low, I'd deflect. “Act.” He said after a right jab. “Huh?” He swung a leg, I jumped back. I'd move back. He lowered his stance. Came in fast Right. Right. Left. 

He rocked back, his right arm pulling back. My eyes dancing between right and left, had to be a feint. It was, he flew forward, tackling me. We went down. He rolled right, and back up on his feet. He offered me his hand, took it, starting to get up, he pulled. Right into him. “Act. Don't react.” Letting me go.

Fuck you, I thought. I tucked down. I went right. Weak deflection. I stayed in a low crouch, moving right. He pivoted, following. I tried a right, he brought his knee up, deflecting. Good to know.

Staying crouched. I went right again. Knee up. I grabbed, and pulled back. He hopped, and down he went. I rolled to my right. Leaping back up. “Like that?” Asshole.

He was up. Ready. We circled. I feinted right, tried a left. He brought his arm down hard, deflecting it. That stung. I focused on that. **_[I got up and moved to the other side of the table. A better view of his eye]_** I threw myself past his left side, throwing a punch as I went by. I connected on his side.

I tried to get in a kick, but he had turned already. Back up. Circling. I couldn't stop grinning. He just watched me. **_[I leaned left. I leaned right. He followed.]_** I feinted right. I feinted left. Again. And again. And again. I swung a leg. Then the other. I didn't expect it to work. **_[Raahhhrr, I screamed. Waving my arms above my head]_** Feint right. Feint left. Again. And again. Go right and left, Vakarian. Go right and left. He did.

Rapidly, I tucked my arms in, elbows forward, and launched. Connecting. He staggered back. **_[A cacophony of voices. My mom grabbed me. My Dad knew better. My eyes never left his]_** He held his hand up. Stop. Trying to catch his breath.

He was bent over, hands on knees. His breathing slowly returning. **_[I elbowed my mom. She dropped me. “She's a handful isn't she” “You don't know the half of it” He never reacted.]_** “You, OK?” He nodded. 

“Take a break?” I asked. Shit, didn't mean to hit him that hard. 

“Naw. Just give me a minute.” He was taking deep breaths, steadying his breathing. “Fuck. Wasn't ready for that one.” He tried to give me a smile, just couldn't yet. I felt a bit better.

“Hey. I'm sorry. I didn't think that.. I didn't think it would turn out this way.” I didn't mean to hurt him. 

He waved a hand. “We're good. Don't worry about it.” He was standing now, gave me a smile. “You do realize that's your only victory for the day? You know that.” He rolled his shoulders while talking.

“You sure you're good?” I rolled my shoulders. Then neck. 

“Knocked the wind out of me. Nothing more. Wait. You didn't think you actually hurt me, did you?.” God, sometimes he was the smuggest son of a bitch. 

“There are times when I wish it was back to, Yes, Ma'am. No Ma'am. Where did the good ol' days go?” Oh, come on. He deserved that one.

“Ready? Ma'am?” He brought his arms, he was ready.

With a yell, I barreled straight at him. He stepped back. I'd come in low, I had no hope it'd work. The fact he stepped back told me what I wanted to know. I went for his thigh with my shoulder. He rocked back a little, but that was it. 

“That's it?” He asked, as I moved back. I opened my eyes wide, batted my lashes. “Sigh. Yes, that's all I can do. You're much too much for me.” His laugh made it to his eyes.

“Glad you finally realize that.” Still laughing. “Ma'am.”

Keep it up laughing boy. I will win today. Yes. Today belongs to me. As if reading my thoughts, he gave a shake of his head.

I took my stance. I feinted right. Low with a left. Deflected. Right back with a right. Deflected. Left. Deflected. I changed my stance slightly. Another right. Deflected. Feint left, right straight at him. a feeling of triumph as I feel it connect. 

He shakes his head, steps back in. Circling. He jabs right, followed by a left, I deflect both. I stay low, height his advantage. Circling, I study him. Circling, I take in the room. **_[I move back to him. A hand on my shoulder stops me]_** He jabbed left. Arm up deflecting, ready with my left. He came at with a right, when he grabbed my arm and pulled it down, I staggered. **_[Shrugging the hand off. I move up]_** Then drop and roll.

Back up. He's turned to face me. He swings. Fast. I deflect, but it stings. Good. Pain brings clarity. 

A crouching stance. Circling He jabs left. Right. I'm too low. He doesn't have much to work with. **_[I move around the table. I place my head behind his ear. I want to be you]_** I feel clarity as it washes over me.

I jab from the right. Deflected. Left. Deflected. I move back, higher stance. He jabs, deflected. Left, deflected. A blur on my left, arm up. It takes the brunt, but pain radiates from my temple. **_[Are you waiting, I whisper]_** I move back. Lower stance this time. 

I jab at his knee, he pivots it back. I map how his leg moves. Circling right, staying low. He tries a kick straight at me. [He is in our world. Drugged. Restrained. His existence a threat] I push and flip back. Staying back. A higher stance this time. He moves to me. 

He circles. I match his movements. I will follow. Learn. Adapt. I will follow. Until it is my time. 

He starts to jab. Right .Left. Right. Fast, very fast. I keep pace, deflecting all. **_[Scratching his head and chest. Purring. Whispering, will you kill us, if I free you]_** He steps back, shaking his arms. I look in his eyes. They are smiling. That warms me, not sure why. **_[A hand on my shoulder. Our time is drawing near]_** Farther apart, we circle.

I lower my stance and move up. I jab, right and left, at his body, easily deflected. **_[We are many. You are one. We are afraid]_** I stay at it. Then two quick jabs into his thigh. He moves back. I do the same.

I spare a glance up, his eyes watching me intently. Waiting for something. I move back another step, circling left now. Clarity slowly washing through me. **_[You have one purpose]_** A right swing, I'm too far back, he responds anyway. I map his reach. I move in, he tightens his stance. I shift into my normal stance. His eyes never stray.

I swing with a left. He's still deflecting, when I jab right. He deflects down, it's what I wanted. I connect hard at the base of his rib cage. **_[You are beautiful]_** With a single thrust of a blade there, you can disable a turian. A single hit will only stagger him. He staggers, glad basic got that right. We both move back.

I dance on the balls of my feet. I tilt my head at him. He's rolling his left arm. He nods back. We renew the dance. Circling. **_[And you are death]_** Watching. He moves in fast alternating jabs. My arms up defending. He tries to hit low. I don't move my arms, I move to go low. **_[My dad's hand grips my shoulder]_** It deflects his blow. He wasn't expecting that.

He pauses for a second, his arms still. I reach up grab them, pull my legs up, plant them on his abdomen, and push off. Flipping I land on my feet, and hop back. I look at, into his eyes. They dance with amusement. I stay back. Dancing on my feet. **_[I whisper thank you]_** He moves forward. I dance back a step. He steps back. 

I know the moment well. When clarity completely envelopes me. An old friend. A warm remembrance. All is focused. A singular purpose. I watch his eyes. 

He moves. I dance. He moves right. I dance right. He moves up. I dance up. We circle. Feints Tests. He makes his move, I roll right. We resume. Dancing with barely contained violence. 

I move in, rapid alternating jabs. He surprises me. **_[Best gift ever? my Dad asked. No. My Dad was the best gift ever]_** He's down a little lower than usual, he moves to deflect. He brings his arm up, it catches my arm, flipping me back. Landing on my back with an audible oomph. He's standing over me. Anger coursing through me. All he has to do is drop and pin me. I lose. I shriek. A flash of clarity. He tilts his head. A grin I've never seen, blue eyes dance, and he walks away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **_Bold/Italicized_** are Shepard's memories as she's sparring. It's the only way, with limited formatting options, that I could write it. **_[Bold/Italicized are her memories]_** in real-time as she spars.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> A/N: My apologies.  
>   
> I will be honest, Ch. 3&4 took on a life of their own. The Thorian of this FF. I've had so many revisions, that they have their own folder. I'd prune, it would ripple, and I'd start all over again.  
> I tried stripping it down, multiple times. Only to realize, that left previous ideas and thoughts hanging.  
> I'm ready to pull the whole thing down, and trash it.
> 
>  
> 
> I haven't because a few people sent the nicest comments. Thank you very much, they meant a lot. I feel like I've let you down.


	4. Sparks

* * *

I launch myself at him. Leaping on his back, I wrap my arms around his neck. I swing my legs up and wrap them around his waist, locking my ankles. He stumbles forward. He tries to pry my hands apart. I lean one way then the next, trying to tip him off-balance. 

Rumbling. I feel it against my chest. I close my eyes. Rumbling radiating out. Burning through me like a wildfire. I wrap myself tighter, holding this for my own. There is nothing else. This is for me. I lay my head down. I feel rumbling breaths. Yellow eyes... Hidden... buried... now remembered.

Seconds. Minutes. Hours. Relative. 

Immersed. Lost. An absence of something. Falling...

Oomph. Glad there were mats. Not so glad I was sprawled on my back. Confused. Static. And feeling very stupid. 

Very stupid. Why hadn't he pinned me yet? Well, this'll be fun to explain. Once I cleared the static.

I got up, looked over to him. He had his head down, taking controlled breaths. I hadn't hurt him, had I? Anger? 

“Hey. You alright there? I asked as I moved to the table.

Cough, then. “Yeah. Just a … surprised. I'll be ...” Deep exhale, then a tight nod. Almost to himself.

OK. I hopped up on the table, which wobbled and collapsed. Fuck. Didn't need that. 

Heard a laugh. “Yeah. I'll bet.” Great, I'd said it out loud. I moved to get up, saw two huge feet. Looked up, he was holding a hand out, looking down, but pointedly not at me. I took it, and stood up. First, my HUD crapped out on me yesterday, now this cheap ass table. Not to mention the little issue of …

“Um, Commander. Can I ask you something?” I heard him, he sounded miles away. 

Falling. The comfort of his rumbling had masked it's pain. 

“Yeah. Yeah. Sure, anything.” Some part of me answered. I couldn't. Pieces falling and tumbling into...

\----

_I'm on the couch. Watching TV. It's on. But, really I'm babbling on about how that had been the greatest thing ever._

_“Did you see it. He didn't even flinch when I yelled. Did you see it?” I roar, hold my hands like claws. Fall back on the couch laughing._

_“I was there too, Megan. What I saw was a stupid child. Why would you do something like that? Your antics are going to be the death of me.”_

_I frowned. She always did that. Say something to make me feel bad._

_It had been great. I laughed. He'd given me the best birthday present ever. I'll tell him again, when he gets back._

_Frowning. He's been gone for awhile now._

_“Hey, Mom. Did you get any pictures?” I roll to the floor. Get on hands and knees, and stalk towards her._

_Roar. She turns, looks down. “Oh, Megan. Stop it. Ask your father if he got pictures. Now, shoo.” She waved me off. I waved a claw at her and stalked off. Spoilsport._

_He'd gone back to the store. I remember him asking her in the car, do you want anything before we get back. She said no. I was making roaring sounds. He was laughing. She was silent._

_She wanted wine. He left to get it._

_I was roaring and my hands were claws, when the knock came. I ran to the door, yelling Dad! One long word all the way there. Dopplering. My Mom yelling, you can't just open a door..._

_It wasn't my dad. It was two police officers. My stomach dropped. They were going to arrest me for yelling at the cat. I didn't mean anything by it. When my dad got back, he could explain._

_“Is your mom here?” The taller one asked. I turned, she was right behind me. “I didn't mean anything. I'm sorry.” I blurted out. They looked confused._

_“Go sit down, Megan.”_

_She invited them in._

_“We're sorry Ma'am, but we have bad news. We need you to identi...”_

_I know that tone. They used that tone when they told Jimmy's mom his dad was dead. They used that tone when..._

_No. They had the wrong room. The wrong hotel. The wrong last name. No. They were wrong._

_Breathing was a chore. Spinning. A crushing weight on me._

_“ … other car... nav syst- … field disruption.... trapped... “_

_Ma'am, are you sure she should be hearing this?_

_We're military. Go on._

_No. Two simple letters to make it untrue._

_Falling. And weight so heavy, I could not breathe. This wasn't real. She should've answered him in the car. This could not be real. I had been so happy. Spinning. Wrong. Everything was wrong. We'd been so happy. Inhale. Exhale. Why couldn't I breathe. I hit crush depth. Best gift ever?_

Disconnect.

_I was free. This was better. Clarity. I could see again. Breathe again._

_Megan. Megan. Something shaking me. I need to go with these men. Do you understand? Don't open the door for anyone. Do you understand?_

_I nodded. Of course I did. I was fine. She had someplace she could go now._

_No pain. No hurt. Nothing but me. She was free there. She was focused there. Senses tuned. I was complete freedom._

_Mother figure made it stronger. Mother figure never let me say good bye. Mother figures life paramount. Mine not._

_I was not a retreat. I was an evolution. I was a tool. I was a shelter. I made her stronger._

_We became stronger. We became better. We ended up a legend._

_I never showed my existence. I was a place where she grew. I honed her. She honed me._

_I was clarity. I was freedom. I was not bound._

_I do not show my existence, but it is known. She is aware of my existence. I am there when needed, not bidden._

_I am a tool. I do not control. I am not control._

_For many, my light is their darkness. My existence, the end of their's._

_Only two have seen._

_I protect her. I mask the pain of the wound._

_I am seen. Blue eyes missing nothing. He did not flinch. He smiled._

_I guide her. I bring her to him._

_He can buffer the pain while I lance the wound._

\----

“So, Turian waists are erogenous zones?” I repeat. Good to know. Did you notice how well you fit earlier?... what? Who the hell... I don't need any more parts of my psyche showing up today, thank you. Been an interesting sparring session. 

First stop on the Citadel. A bar. Hotel. Back to bar.

“Yes.” He's till trying to hide his eyes. But I saw it. I've seen it since I was... let's not go there. I know the look well, let's leave it at that.

Arousal. Desire. First is a physical need or want. The second, the mental component. Again, I'm used to it. I'm also used to people hiding it. From me.

What I'm not used to, and have never seen before. Is someone trying to hide it from themselves. Himself. To be exact. And I don't think it's just because I'm his CO. Which has got to be weird for him.

“OK, so if someone just comes up and rubs your waist .. “ I pause, scratch my head. Trying to find the right words. I take a quick drink...

“Now you understand why we armor all the time?” And cough the water back up. Now I can't tell if he was joking or not. He's laughing at my distress. 

If you want distress, step into my mind right now, Garrus. That little rumbling thing you do, which we will talking about, by the way, triggered a land mine. Pieces of my psyche are still raining down. I'm on the fence about locking myself in my cabin, and sorting through it all. 

I honestly don't want to be alone right now. I'm also hoping that beating the shit out of each other will actually help. I don't think it will, but beats locked in my cabin crying. 

I feel like I'm watching a vid of my life, just that I'm not in it.

But first, since today has no plans on being easy, we have to work through this, this Aladdin's lamp thing I accidentally did. Well, when I'm done coughing.

“Enjoying this, Vakarian?” I cough out. I wipe my face with a towel, look down. Well, know where the water went. Not too bad. Not quite an Asari soft-porn commando movie bad. Trashy enough. Sigh.

“Well, you may as well rip my shirt too.” Got that one out without coughing. Ripped shirt, not quite a bodice, but would fit the Asari soft-porn look.

What?!” I swear his sub-harmonics squeaked. Alarmed. His face was a picture perfect look of alarm. Hint of confusion thrown in. I pointed and waved at the wet spots on my shirt. “May as well make the Asari commando soft-porn look complete, don't ya think?” I grinned. 

Alarm was replaced by humor. He was still uncomfortable though, but only time will fix that. He only chuckled to that one, gave me a smile. I smiled back, thanks Vakarian. Still got a long road. For now, I'm sticking with evasion. 

Now that I could speak, and there was no water around. “So, you never answered my question. It seems to be a big disadvantage. Just rub your waist and you're incapacitated? Well, if not that, you'd at least lose focus. Know what I mean?” I was curious. Weird evolutionary trait.

He moved off the wall, nodding. “It is. And we do wear armor most of the time. If you have your armor off, you're generally with people you comfortable with..” I nodded to that. Made sense, still seemed like an odd spot to put an erogenous zone though. “I gotta say Garrus. Still seems dangerous.”

“I could say the same about humans. Rub you guys - “ He was getting defensive. I cut him off. “Nope. Different. You grab somebody's crotch, you're most likely to get your ass kicked. Kind of invite only thing. It's pretty rare for a human to get fired up if someone just walks up and starts rubbing.”

I know humans have casual sex with strangers, but their already in the mood, you know? He looked like he was figuring out how he wanted to respond, so I continued. “If two people are interested, and one reaches over, and … gets familiar, sure, they'll respond, the same if...” Oh. Was he saying the same thing I was?

“Wait. Are you saying-” Getting to know his alarmed face well today. “No. No. I wasn't saying that at all. Spirits no. No. No. No.” He was sputtering, mandibles fluttering. 

Yeah, thanks for that. I got it at the first no. “Yeah. OK. I get it. Don't need to rub it in.”

“What. No. That's not what I meant. Well, it is, but I didn't mean. Shit, how the hell did we get here?”

We got here when you implied that I turned you on, yet didn't. If you can clarify, please do. 

He did. Took awhile. Good, he can speak and think for awhile. I didn't have to. After awhile, I wasn't listening to what he saying, just hearing his voice. Soothing. Soothing was good. I was going to be tiptoeing through land-mines, …. steady nerves were a good thing.

Yeah. You know what, the Thorian was starting to look like a good goddamn day compared to this one.

Wait. What? I had a feeling hearing and not listening might bite me in the ass. I gave him a confused look. Whew. He was repeating it. Huh. I have to be honest, I think one of the reasons the first contact war happened, was that the Turians and humans were too much alike. So, sounds like Turians have fight or fuck chemical responses also. Good to know. 

Well now, how do we get from one to the other … sigh. Can someone silence this chick, please?

“Now that we have that cleared up. We are good, right?” He nodded yes. OK, one more thing and back to beating the crap out of each other. I needed it. 

“What's with that rumbly thing you do?”

“Rumbly?” Brow plate arched.. Sigh, not now Garrus. 

“Yeah, that grumbling, growling sound.” Comforting. Soothing. And, well … Say it. Just say it. Yeah, all right, that rumbling thing you do, totally turns me on. OK. Happy now? Totally. Please God, please tell me none of that was out loud. Please.

“Rumbly, huh.” He seemed amused at that. Just get to it.

The cliff notes. Sub-harmonics are the nuanced part of Turian speech. They speak two languages at once. They can say one thing, but sub-harmonics convey the actual meaning. Overtly physical acts trigger the growling sounds. Each one a different sound. Then that means …  
Yes. Lets trigger that sound... Please. Someone shut that chick up!

I want a book on Palaven evolutionary history. Turians have some interesting evolved traits. That and I want to see whatever monster bird they evolved from. Except for a couple glaring things, they look like big earth cats to me.

I'd laid down on the floor, and started stretching, while he explained the growling. One leg up, then the other. I noticed he just watched. Never tried to hide the fact he was checking out my legs. “Checking out my legs, Vakarian?”

“Yes.” Huh. No one admits to it, let alone nonchalantly. And lift. And.. he grasped my ankle, brought my leg straight up. I stiffened. He brought his other hand up to his mouth, pulled the glove off with his teeth. Never took his eyes off my leg.

He ran a talon over the top of my thigh, then up the back of my calf. Knife edge on skin. My heart was racing. Fuck. I hoped he wasn't using that visor of his right now. “These.” Huh? He did it again.”These are more defined.” Exhale. Hadn't even realized I'd been holding my breath. He looked at me. He let go, and my leg dropped to the floor. “They're more defined since we've started.” 

He held out a hand, I waved it off. That had been unexpected, both the act and reaction. He retrieved his glove. Feather light touch. He could easily rend flesh with it. And just as easily, excite it. Knife edge radiating out.

Just how dexterous was he with those … We should find out … yeah, we should. What? My mind was shattered in pieces over a broken landscape, and this is what we're thinking about? Gathering myself together, I got up. No wobbling, good.

We moved to the center of the room, and faced off. Finally. I needed this. Circling. Jabbed right. Deflected. He countered. Deflected. Go for the old chestnut. Right. Left. Right Left. Speed. His Arms up. Right. Left. Right . Left. He drove his right straight in. Connecting hard with my chest. I staggered back.

Pain. I needed it. Physical pain. A balm. He came up at me fast. Left. Right. Left. Right. No problem deflecting. I dropped and rolled back. Got up, felt the rail on my back. My friend clarity was washing through me. A plan. Distract. Attack.

Everything clearer. I flipped back over the rail. Holding the rail, I back walked up the wall.. He'd moved forward, looking, perplexed. Confused. The look not the issue. Distraction, the issue. Downward push, I tucked my legs up and swung underneath. He was plated, no worry of damaging anything. Connecting into his pelvis. He staggered back.

Time for another distraction. You won't say it, but I know you love limber. Time to use one of the few things I remembered from gymnastics. Hopefully. This had a very good chance of failing horribly.

I pulled up, legs straight out in front of me. I pulled myself up and back, abdomen against the rail, pulled my legs back and out, feet up against the bar. I stole a glance at him. I smiled to myself, he was transfixed. You have growling, I have limber. 

The part I was worried about. I pulled myself up, using the soles of my feet to bring me forward, and .. Holy shit, I did it. Arms straight down, I had my legs stretched out across the bar. He was staring. Unabashedly staring.

Let's ratchet this up. Bit by bit, I changed my grip, and started to turn, legs straight out to my sides. I slowly pivoted. Now facing the wall. Cool, I'd pulled it off. I brought my legs in, sprung to the floor..

He was just looking at me. I really wanted my own visor at that moment. 

It was childish, I know. But, he had to know what his sub-harmonics did to me. I couldn't respond in kind. No, wait I had. A wanton display of limberness. Mental sparring complete, back to physical. ...Well done. I think you have his complete attention now... whoever you are, I think you're right.

We moved back to the center of the room. We'd displayed a different level of sparring, that completed, let the games began. He came at me with speed and ferocity. Despite the pain I was feeling in my arms from warding off his blows, I was smiling. Oh yeah, I'd rattled him. 

I tried backing up, but when I did that, he would hit harder from his right. I moved away from the blows, I kept moving to my right, he switched and would hit harder from his left. He was herding me. Keeping me away from the rail, my advantage. He had height, weight, and reach on me. The center his advantage. 

Pain brings clarity. Clarity masks pain. Ideas flow. Senses heightened. Time slows. Faster reflexes. 

He's fighting himself as much as me. A distraction he doesn't realize. Time slows. I can see each punch. I change my stance slightly, left side closer. He is speed and power. No thought. A hit on my left. Now.

Pushing up with my feet, grab his cowl with my left hand, pull up, and elbow him with my right. He staggers back. I move back. Back to stance, dancing on my feet.

He moves back up grinning. I come in low, my turn for speed. Right. Left. Right. I move back. Circling. He comes at me with a right, I just tuck and roll out to my right. Leap back up. He turns to face me. I need a plan. I don't know why, but I have to beat him today.

I think about moving all the way back, then flipping towards him, but he's too tall for me to pull a Pris. We circle again, I come in. Right. Left. Right. Left. Just speed. His arms defending. He moves up. I keep the pace. He brings his forearms down a little. I don't let up. Right. Left. Right. Left. 

He lunges forward, brings his arms down, and shoves my shoulders hard. My feet were planted for hitting, I stagger, trying to get my footing, when he tackles me. 

I hit with an oomph, then a hundred-ten kilo Turian lands on me. My lungs decided to rid themselves of all air. When I can breathe again, I'll tell you how much that fucking hurt. He's up sitting beside me. Sort of. I'm laying, sitting, rolling, trying to get that air back. Most likely I looked like a fish out of water, flopping around. 

“You, OK, Shepard?” He sounds concerned. Do I look OK? After what felt like a few Asari lifetimes I can breathe again. Motherfucker that hurt. I can finally process higher level thoughts, and I look at him. He actually looks very worried. I wave my hand at him. Letting him know I'm returning to the land of the living.

My breathing finally back to normal, I'm walking around. He checks to make sure I'm good. I am. He taps me on the shoulder, I turn he holds his hand up, palm up, nods expectingly. What? No fucking way.

“Nope. You have to ask before we start. Black, black no take back.” I smiled a that one.

“You know Shepard. There are times you make no fucking sense. What is, black,-” I cut him off.

“It's a kids thing. Rules to a game have to rhyme. Red, red, no play dead. That kind of thing.” I can tell he's trying to process it. But all he says is.”I can't believe you guys achieved space flight.”

We take our positions. I launch at him. Right. Left. Right left. Then flip back. We circle. I feint. He feints. I jab. Deflects. He jabs. I deflect. Back and forth. Jab. Deflect. Feint. Feint. We dance in a circle. Each waiting. 

Circling. I drop. Holding myself up with my hands I swing my legs, he reacts too late, I cut them out from beneath him. He falls back. I'm up, launch at him, damn he's fast. He catches, and throws me off. I land, roll. He's back up.

Back into stance. Circling. Stop. Heard a sound at the door. We both look. I forgot he's got better hearing, he already knows it's nothing. I turn back, just in time for him to grab me. He pulls me tight to him. My back against his chest. I'm kicking. He's got my arms pinned also. I can feel him breathing on my neck. His rumbling sub-harmonics spreading through me. 

He shifts himself. And pulls me tight. I'm struggling, and kicking, but it's not working. Then, I feel his hand over my shoulder, down my chest, under my shirt. His aims off slightly he brushes the side of my breast. I feel him stiffen, and suck in a breath. I'm not breathing. The only sound I hear is the blood pounding in my ears. His rumbling vibrating every cell in my body. I can tell he's breathing again, I feel it on the back of my neck. He pulls his hand back, and moves it over. He finds the knife and pulls his hand out. 

He lets me go. I bend over hands on knees. I'm breathing again. Hearing returning. “I did ask.” I hear from somewhere. Oh, he can search us anytime... yeah, kinda expected that one from her. 

Well, show no weakness. “Nice to see that C-Sec training finally paid off on this mission, Vakarian.” He just looks at me. “Shepard. I did ask.” And I had answered. Just didn't realize how damn serious he was. 

“True”

Shit. Damn. Someone, not sure who, was going to have one hell of a night when we hit the Citadel. 

Why not just ask him? … because he made it clear when discussing Turian waists, he wasn't in to us. What! When did I become us? Commander Basket Case.. … oh, please, he just copped a feel.. and you did nothing... listen chick. He grabbed the knife, thats it. As for the feel.. sure it was an accident. Seemed that way.

OK. I need to kick his ass. So far, I'm doing just OK today. We eye each other as we start to circle. He takes a left, I deflect. It stings. He meant business on that one. Clarity returned, my friend. He takes a left, I dance left. He takes a right, I dance, right. An idea. He takes another right, I dance right, and swing. Connect. Only his shoulder, but a connection. He laughed with his eyes.

We resume the dance. I can feel a rhythm flow. Right. His right. He would feint, I would dance away. He came up brought in a left, then a damn quick right. I barely deflected it. I swung a kick, he caught it, pushed me off. Got my balance. He feinted left, I dropped and threw a right, connecting low on his side. I rolled out right.

I came back up, he spun to face me, threw a right. I danced right, into his right. I stepped back, shook my arm. That one stung. He nodded. I winked, and moved back. Got into stance.

I swear I heard the door open, I should've never taken my eyes off him. He swept his legs, I flipped down on my back. Shit. I rolled, tried to get up. He landed on me perfectly. For him. Not me. 

I brought my arms back, trying to push up, he grabbed my upper arms. He slowly, methodically moved his hands down my arms. Never losing control of them. My legs were useless, his legs had those pinned. He lay a top me, his legs intertwined with mine, his arms intertwined with mine. His growling radiated from his chest, I could feel it in every cell. 

Fuck. He had me good. He had me really good. Really good.

His body heat was warming me in a way that... His sub-harmonics were extremely low pitched. A feral growl radiating through every cell. He had me. He lowered his head, I could feel his breath on my neck.

“Your move, Spectre,” He growled. I was so fucked. I couldn't breathe. Blood pounding in my ears. I'm surprised I heard him. He shifted his hips slightly. I shivered. Yeah, he had me. 

I felt like I was on fire. He had to know. That fucking visor of his. 

“Give” He growled. Order, not question. More than one meaning. Not yet, Vakarian. Not yet. 

“ You don't have a weapon.” I purred. Matches only ended with a death blow. That's the rule 

His sub-harmonics changed, still primal, now like the sound a big cat makes before a kill. 

He moved, his mouth right over my neck, I felt every breath. “I don't need a weapon.” 

Several needle sharp points draw down my neck.

I suck in a breath. He responds by biting down, ever so soft. He Has me Oh, fuck does he have me.

My move huh, Vakarian. … Remember he said he wasn't into you … yeah, all evidence to the contrary. But, you have a point. We can prove that very easily.

Here goes nothing, and everything. I arch my back, and push my hips into him. I feel him stiffen, and suck in a breath. He starts to..., Oh not yet, Vakarian. Not yet. I move my hips in slow circles, pushing in to him.

Your move, Vakarian. Into aliens or not? 

He presses him self down on to me. His growl savage.

OH, yeah. Jackpot. OH. I have him I have you, Garrus. 

He goes totally rigid. And he flips off her. 

What the hell. He grows a conscience now? Now? I will rip his thro-

“Door” He says, just as I hear it. Foot steps, and a hand hits the door panel.

I flip over, and move to lean against the wall. He tosses me a towel. “Thanks”

Shit. What the hell was that? That had been... well, that was new. Great. Baited a friend, nice going. And still worked up. Very worked up. It had to show. There was no way I could hide it. 

We look at each other, he shakes his head, and laughs. Well, he's nicely composed. Like the last couple minutes never happened. 

Well, shit. I feel like an ass. I'd bet everything that he felt it too. Bet wrong. 

No, I wasn't wrong. No , he felt it. A spark, a connection, a shared want. Desire. Looking at him now, I'm not so sure. He'd said aliens didn't do anything for him. Maybe it was just another sparring technique. A dominance thing.

Ash walks in. Stops. Surveys the room. She smirks, then. “Hey Guys. Not interrupting, am I?”

Other than the fact I, and I guess only I, were about to do something we really shouldn't, no.

And thanks so much for deciding today of all days to spar.

I wonder if Ash can see any parts of my psyche raining down around us.

Ash hardly ever spars. Fuck, why today.

Yeah. Ash knew. We look guilty. She might be able to hide what she was feeling from a male, but Ash would know what an aroused female looks like. We'd even laughed about it once.

I survey the room. Smashed table. Water bottles and towels scattered around the room. How the hell did my knife end up in the wall? And then there's us. He's over their going through multiple facial expressions, usually coming back to, I guess it's guilt.

Me, my shirts wet, I'm sweaty, and my face burns, so I'm either flushed or blushing. Great.

Uh, it's not what it seems. No,Ash, it is exactly what it seems. 

You couldn't spar tomorrow Ash? Today? Really? 

“No. Not at all. You need something Ash?” Commander mode. I should've been in Commander mode the whole time. None of this would've happened. None of it. 

This could've ended very badly. What the hell was I thinking. Thank the spirits for superior Turian hearing. What if we'd been further along? That would have been real messy, and damn near impossible to explain.

Shit. That's what I felt like. What I looked like. And it certainly didn't help that I was completely wound up. Definitely a long hot shower. You could invite Garrus. No. Let it go. It's not meant to be. 

I didn't want to, but, yeah, it would be the right thing to do. No, she had fucked up again. Let him go. He'll be leaving anyway when the mission's over. He has a life to return to. Let it go.

I stared at my lap,maybe it would have the answers. I laughed to myself at that one. Shepard, you are one very fucked up person. You can add cock tease to the list too. Yeah, may as well. 

Is it cock teasing if he's not into you? His actions seemed like he was into it. Now, now I just don't know.

“So, Chief. Feel like sparring?” Garrus pipes up. He's composed himself well. Too well.

Fuck it. I can't be here anymore. I don't want to see anyone. Or anyone see me.

“OK, guys. Have fun. I'm off to a shower..” I nod to Garrus. Think murderous thoughts to Ash, but outwardly nod to her as well.

I hit the door panel. It hisses open, I'm halfway through.

“That be a cold shower, Skipper?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: My apologies. I posted the wrong version last night. I was so tired, I missed that little tidbit. Theses last two chapters have driven me... Well, they put a large dent in my wine supply.
> 
> I hope it's OK. These have taken on a life of their own, no matter how many times, I've tried to tame them.
> 
> Please R&R.
> 
> And a huge thank you to those that have left me comments. They helped tremendously, thank you.


	5. Can You See The Real Me

_Two have seen those moments._

_The moment when clarity washes through me, a wave crashing through every cell._

_A clarity so pure it aches. I cannot describe, a complete freedom. I am not me, and I am completely me. I am fully alive. I am a sanity so pure it's insanity, a moebius strip of reality. I feel each synapse as it fires. Time and energy moving in random directions with a singular purpose. I am every blood cell coursing through my body. I am your blood as it courses over me._

_Two have seen it._

_One, wise and grizzled, sent me away. To a jungle. Home. To break me, rebuild me. You cannot break what is already broken. They shaped what I always was. A blade sharpened. An arrow trued. Purpose refined. What I was created for._

_Two have seen it._

_One sent me away._

_One asked me to stay._


	6. You're here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally...

[10 Hours From Ilos]

 

I was sitting in the Mako, going over the manual. If anyone asked, and at this hour I doubt anyone would, I was trying to decrease the firing time of the cannon. Problem was, I'd been rereading the same section for over two hours now.

I just couldn't stop thinking about her. She completely captivated me. She was the most intriguing person I've ever met. Easily the best CO I've ever served with. And I'm proud to call her a friend.

She'd invaded my thoughts. And in classic Shepard style: kick in the door, clear the room, then clear out the room. Shepard always cleared out a room. Always. We were in a firefight one time, she rolls out of cover, grabs something, then fights her way back into cover. I'm sputtering, what the hell, and with a huge smile on her face she holds up a credit chit.

She can confuse the hell out of you. There are times, when I wonder just who I'm talking to. I'm not saying she's a raving lunatic Sybil, not at all. Well, maybe when she's fighting. That Shepard's vicious and scary as hell.

Shit. I wasn't getting anything productive done. Already checked my weapons. Twice. The Mako was ready. I'd adjusted the aft nozzles, adding two percent more thrust. And when Wrex is sitting on the back bench, you want that two percent.

I wanted everything ready for this mission. This was it. Damn what the Council says. Shepard's right. Ilos is the key. It's also a good example of how good of a CO she is. We're hitting Ilos based on a vision only Shepard sees. In defiance of the Council. In a stolen warship. To save the galaxy. 

Shepard gets the best missions.

I put the manual back in it's slot, climbed into the drivers seat, and after a couple minutes of searching, put it in recline mode. Can't sleep, may as well rest.

I briefly thought about seeing if Shepard's up, but I really didn't have a valid reason to knock on her door.

Closing my eyes, I pictured her eyes. Spirits, they were beautiful Deep dark brown. And they told you everything. They'd tell you when she was sad. They'd tell when she was happy. Ah, when they were happy, it was … I can't describe how they made me feel. It was infectious, maybe? 

They warmed me. When she was truly happy and it made it to her eyes, they danced. They had a fire in them. No, that's not quite right. Her eyes always had a fire to them. And when they were angry, they blazed with an intensity that scorched.

Huh, I wonder if I still have it. When the Council had C-Sec investigate Saren, Pallin had me investigate Shepard also. Never found anything on either of them, but I did find a photo of Shepard when she was little. One of those family photos that get sent out around the holidays. 

And, I found it. Yep, this is the one. She's sitting on her Dad's lap holding some black fuzzy thing. Both parents are in uniform, and she's wearing a blue dress, Heh, her hair's actually brushed. Bet she was a hand full with the mischievous look in her eyes. Just realized, she's never said a word about her parents. Only thing in her file about them is Mom was moving up in the Alliance, and her father was killed in a freak hover crash.

Wonder what she was like as kid. If the look in her eyes means anything, probably drove them nuts. Well, just her I guess. I always meant to ask her what the hell she has against hair brushes. I can't recall her ever brushing her hair. Just runs her hands through it. It's not that long, so it doesn't matter, just curious.

So, her eyes have always been that way.

Oh come on Vakarian. You're not thinking of her eyes. You know damn well what you're' thinking of. Yeah. Her eyes aren't the only thing that burns hot. I will think of that moment on my death bed. That was...something else. Intense...

That was the day I swear I really saw Shepard. Not the Commander, not the Hero. Not the diplomat. No, I saw Megan Shepard. I get the impression most will never see her. Kaiden once said Shepard keeps to herself. I don't think he was talking about the same thing, but it's an accurate statement. Her demeanor is different, and her eyes are … not predatory, close but not right. They're... free? Yeah, also close. I'll know it when I see it. 

Breaking into a laugh. After Shepard left, I asked Ash if she wanted to spar. She smirked, already?, I'm impressed Vakarian. But, I don't think I want to spar that way, Vakarian. . Ash could fight. Spirits be with her.

Virmire. One fucked up situation. Shepard won't say it, but I will. I still feel Alenko fucked things up. Had to be the hero, and triggered the timer early. If we'd had a couple more minutes, there's a damn good chance we could've got Ash out of there. 

I know it's irrational, but every time I look over and see the empty weapons bench, I want to punch him in the throat. Ash and I didn't start off well, but by the end, I would gladly fight beside her. Ash was OK in my book. And damn she could fight. She loved guns as much as I did, she was a great armorer.

Spirits be with you, and guide you, Ashley Williams. You will be missed.

Maybe I should see if she needs help with mission planning. No, that won't work, we have no idea what we're walking into.

Hey, Shepard, I know you're getting ready for the mission of your life, but want to spar. Wink-Wink.

Let's face it. I wouldn't have a chance anyway. She's never said a word about that day. She's actually been a bit aloof since then. Troubled almost.

Yeah, well you did dry hump your commanding officer. You're lucky you're still on the ship. True.

In my defense, she didn't exactly say get the hell off of me..

I've never been with a human, and until being around Shepard, never even thought about it. Now. Well, now I think about it. Quite a bit actually. Well with her at least. Yeah, with her. I want to hear that sound again. She'd baited me about needing a kill to win. She forgot about my teeth. So I tapped her neck with them, a reminder.

I figured she'd say fuck, and get pissed off. Ah, no. She never better make fun about my waist again. I looked it up. And with some humans, their necks are erogenous zones. And guessing by her reaction, she's one of them. 

I didn't even think I could react to a human. Spirits, did I react. My brain was light years behind what my body was doing. That hip thing she did. Never before. Ever. I could get used to it. Very very used to it.

If other human females are like her, then the asari have some serious competition. 

I know the hip action was intentional, at least I think it was. I just want to hear that breath sound again. And I will do whatever it takes to hear it again. And again.

Oh, yeah. I'm hitting the shower before we hit the relay. I hope she wears heavy armor also. Where the hell did she find light armor that looks...

The elevator? Sounded like it. I reach up and flip the switch, put the seat back up. I don't hear anything. Wrex found some storeroom to sleep in, so I don't have to hear him snore anymore. Thank the spirits for that.

Guess it was..

“Hey. You up?” I spin the chair towards the left hatch. I break into a smile. Nothing like hers though. I almost want to laugh. She is sporting the wickedest smile I have ever seen on a human.

“Yeah, Yeah, come on in.” I get up as she climbs in. She flops down on the back bench, putting her pack on the floor.

I move to the gunners seat. “You OK?” I ask her, she's bent over digging through her pack. 

“Yep. Can't sleep. You?” She sits back up and hands me a bottle. Has one of her own in her other hand. I look at it. Holy shit. “Holy shit, Shepard. This is .. this is ah, expensive as hell.” Cipritine whiskey, fifteen years old. Damn good.

She tilts the neck of her bottle toward me, we clink the necks together, and take a swig. Good smooth burn. 

“Eh” She shrugs her shoulder, then stretches out across the bench, knees bent. I'm very glad, but wished she hadn't worn shorts. It never used to do anything for me. Now. Now, it does a lot of things. Now I understand why Kaiden wouldn't spar with her dressed like that. Grow a spine, ask.

Pointing the neck of her bottle at me. “Still think cleaning out merc bases was silly?” I flip the lock on the fold-down seat, and let it drop, put my feet up. Now, we're both angled so we're face to face. She puts the bottle down between her legs, (lucky bottle) and brings up her OT.

“And this is your cut.” My cut? She waves off-handedly at her OT, so I bring mine up, she taps a couple keys, and mine pings. I bring up whatever she just sent. It looks like a bank statement. That's because it is a bank statement. What the..

“Is this real?” She nods at my question. “This is from ...”

“Yep. That's your share from what's left over. Ground team all got the same cut. Minus ten grand I gave to Joker, Adams, Chakwas, and Pressley. Just see Barla Von to access it. You OK with that?” How the hell her smile became more mischievous is beyond me.

Holy hell. “Holy hell” I repeated out loud. “All from merc bases?

“No. Cerberus and Exo-Geni pitched in also.” She winked and took a swig. Fuck it, I'm rich, I'll take a huge swig. I can afford it now. Damn, Shepard.

“Uh. Thank you. This is.. wow. Thank you.” One of my more eloquent moments

“Think nothing of it. Thanks for being here. I mean it, Garrus. Thank you.” She nodded, and tipped her bottle towards me. We clinked, drank.

“So. You ready?” I genuinely wanted to know. If anyone could be ready for this, it'd be her.

“No. Yes. Not sure how you can be ready for something this unknown. And thinking about it has me too keyed up. You?" She shrugged while speaking, then arched an eyebrow when she finished.

“Couldn't sleep. Tried to rest. Just thinking about things.” Shit. Shit. I know Shepard. She's going to want to know what I was thinking. She has a way of knowing if it's embarrassing, and will really press the issue.

She tilts her head. “About?” Classic Shepard. Probing move. Test defenses, boundaries. She'll kick the door in shortly.

I tilt my bottle to her, and shake my head. “No. This one's for me.” I take a swig. I look at her for a moment, and can't help but smile. What a great ride this has been. Then I lean down to place the bottle on the floor. Don't want anything to happen to this one. Not just the cost, but the thought.

“Is it?” A momentary pause. “Just for you?” I had been just starting to sit back up when she said it. I paused just for a second. Her voice was … different. Lower? I want to say sexier, but that's just projection on my part. I sit back up, and look over at her.

“It's you.” I blurted out. It was her. Right there. Right fucking here. I thought my smile couldn't get any bigger. She had the most devilish smile. Spirits what a smile. It meant many things, none of them good. 

Her eyes were just ablaze. They danced with an intensity. They were... feral. Dangerous. Primal. Beautiful. 

Her entire manner was … even her demeanor untamed. 

“You asked what I was searching for. I was searching for you.” I never thought I'd see you again. 

And I swear,as she said, “You know, we never finished...” I swear she purred.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Finally. Thank you for reading. And responding. It made this easier, and more difficult. I didn't want to fail.  
> I may make some revisions. With all the revisions, a couple things were left out. Didn't change much, but would've made it easier reading, and understanding.
> 
> Thank you all again. Please R&R, if you like/dislike

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading - Hopefully it's OK  
> This is my second FF - Please R&R - Let's me know what I'm doing wrong or right.  
> Thanks again.


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